A laundromat haiku:
Pit bull on the floor
Seven damn quarters a load
I see your panties
Y'all, my washing machine broke this morning. I was washing a load that was admittedly probably too big for the darn thing, but why do an extra load when you can jam a few more things in there, right?
Everything was working out fine (and I was saving time by consolidating loads!) until it started doing that bangbangcrashboombang that washing machines do when they're off balance.
No big deal.
I'll just open the lid and stop the spinning and move the clothes around.
Wait.
I forgot that this stupid washing machine doesn't stop spinning when you open the lid...
...I guess it'll just have to suffer through the off-balanceness.
OR DIE.
It chose to die. It kept spinning, but kind of stopped making the normal washing machine "is on" noise. It was just quiet spinning, and I knew this was not a good sign. But it was still spinning! So, I was hoping it was fine (even though I knew it wasn't). It's always better to delay aggravation as long as possible.
Anywhos, back to my wishy washer. It made it through the spin cycle... but didn't fill up for rinse. Hmm, I says to myself, I says: Maybe if I manually turn it to rinse.
Rinse, bitch!
Like magic, the water started to fill up. Yay, water! Yay, washer! It's going to be OK!
No, actually, it's not. Now I have a washer full of water that won't spin to drain full of towels that serve their purpose much better when dry.
[enter delayed aggravation]
Grrrrrrrr! Now I have to find a laundromat that's open on Easter. Go figure. Seeing as how it is Easter, could someone just resurrect my washing machine?!
Now, mind you, a laundromat? a) I don't do coin laundry. b) I need coins. c) That thing is full of water and full of stuff -- what the heck do I do with that? Bring it dripping wet?
I'm pretty sure Jesus would not approve of my washing machine dying today.
Long story short, I find a laundromat. Every change machine in there (there are two) are out of order. There is a pit bull in a cage just sleeping in the coin laundry like that's normal. And the other lady there is doing laundry in this ridiculous dress (shirt?) that flaunts (that can't be the right word) her panties when she loads the dryer.
And they're so big, I'm sure she could fit a whole load in them. If she hasn't already.
Happer Easter, everyone.
Apr 4, 2010
Oct 7, 2009
Fauxhawk = NO drivers license allowed
In my opinion, anyway. People with those ridiculous fauxhawks should not be allowed to have drivers licenses. Honestly, they probably should be allowed out of their house, but I realize this is a little extreme.
So I'm driving home from work today and I'm aggravated. I'm so aggravated for about 100 reasons and, apparently, everyone on I-95 has gotten the memo, and they're driving extra bad to to spite me.
Especially the guy with the fauxhawk.
I am in my fun little car, music blaring, trying to drown away the angst. It's time for me to merge onto the highway, which means that I'll slide in front of the guy with the fauxhawk (who is driving in the slow lane, so this must be what he's expecting -- people get on 95 in your lane).
He, however, clearly had other ideas and was totally and completely appalled by the fact that I'm even thinking about getting in front of him.
"I'm driving too fast for this lane, lady," I can hear him fume (picture little fumes coming out of his fauxhawk). "How dare you make me hit my breaks like I should expect to in this merging lane!"
I know, y'all. I got a lot of nerve.
So what does he do as I'm merging as any normal person would? He speeds up, nearly swiping the left rear of my car to get in the merging lane himself. Whaaaaa? Then zooms back into the slow lane, nearly taking out the left front of my car this time.
Yay, fauxhawk dude! You're now in front of me! You did it!
This is when I take the opportunity to do what any respectful driver would do... speed up and ride his cool-guy car bumper for a few seconds, of course -- and he looks at me through his rear view like I'm a crazy person!
Really, buddy? Didn't you just do that to me? Except that you added in some extras, like nearly amputating two of my car's extremities?
I mean, shoot -- it's not like he was jockeying for position in front of me in line at the grocery store and I had a cart loaded with $200 worth of groceries and file full of coupons or anything. What would he have lost be letting me merge? Two seconds?
He was probably running late because he spent too much time sculpting his hair.
So I'm driving home from work today and I'm aggravated. I'm so aggravated for about 100 reasons and, apparently, everyone on I-95 has gotten the memo, and they're driving extra bad to to spite me.
Especially the guy with the fauxhawk.
I am in my fun little car, music blaring, trying to drown away the angst. It's time for me to merge onto the highway, which means that I'll slide in front of the guy with the fauxhawk (who is driving in the slow lane, so this must be what he's expecting -- people get on 95 in your lane).
He, however, clearly had other ideas and was totally and completely appalled by the fact that I'm even thinking about getting in front of him.
"I'm driving too fast for this lane, lady," I can hear him fume (picture little fumes coming out of his fauxhawk). "How dare you make me hit my breaks like I should expect to in this merging lane!"
I know, y'all. I got a lot of nerve.
So what does he do as I'm merging as any normal person would? He speeds up, nearly swiping the left rear of my car to get in the merging lane himself. Whaaaaa? Then zooms back into the slow lane, nearly taking out the left front of my car this time.
Yay, fauxhawk dude! You're now in front of me! You did it!
This is when I take the opportunity to do what any respectful driver would do... speed up and ride his cool-guy car bumper for a few seconds, of course -- and he looks at me through his rear view like I'm a crazy person!
Really, buddy? Didn't you just do that to me? Except that you added in some extras, like nearly amputating two of my car's extremities?
I mean, shoot -- it's not like he was jockeying for position in front of me in line at the grocery store and I had a cart loaded with $200 worth of groceries and file full of coupons or anything. What would he have lost be letting me merge? Two seconds?
He was probably running late because he spent too much time sculpting his hair.
Aug 26, 2009
What aisle are the cheese puffs in?
They're in aisle 4 -- but if you were shopping at Winn-Dixie, you'd already know that.
You'd also know what aisle the pork 'n beans are in or where to find the juice, apple juice, cranapple juice or mixed juice. Inexplicably, you might have trouble locating the pork rinds and orange drink.
You see, Winn-Dixie feels these fine, fine products are staple enough to actually make it on the sign above each aisle. Just to say "chips" and would certainly fall short of acceptable -- enough people are looking for cheese puffs that they need their own line up there.
All this is fine, but let's look at the big picture: There are, let's say, 15 aisles in Winn-Dixie. Each one gets 5 lines on their sign. You're telling me that the pork 'n beans actually falls in their top 60 selling items list so that it gets its own placard? Sure... right up there next to soap, milk and ground beef (they're the beef people, after all).
I demand to see this list. If all those juices ranked high enough to get their own billing, I demand a recount -- for Orange Drink's sake.
You'd also know what aisle the pork 'n beans are in or where to find the juice, apple juice, cranapple juice or mixed juice. Inexplicably, you might have trouble locating the pork rinds and orange drink.
You see, Winn-Dixie feels these fine, fine products are staple enough to actually make it on the sign above each aisle. Just to say "chips" and would certainly fall short of acceptable -- enough people are looking for cheese puffs that they need their own line up there.
All this is fine, but let's look at the big picture: There are, let's say, 15 aisles in Winn-Dixie. Each one gets 5 lines on their sign. You're telling me that the pork 'n beans actually falls in their top 60 selling items list so that it gets its own placard? Sure... right up there next to soap, milk and ground beef (they're the beef people, after all).
I demand to see this list. If all those juices ranked high enough to get their own billing, I demand a recount -- for Orange Drink's sake.
Aug 22, 2009
Where do dentures belong?
This is a pop quiz, folks. Sorry I didn't warn you earlier, but I think most of us will be able to pass this test pretty easily (that is, of course, unless you're the lady I saw at Publix today).
There is only one question on this test. No need for pen and paper, you can just think the answer quietly to yourself.
1. Dentures belong...
a) firmly Fixodented in your mouth, as if they were real teeth.
b) on your nightstand in a cup of fizzy whatever it is that you dunk dentures in.
c) flicking in out of your mouth like you used to do when you wore a retainer.
Now, I want to apologize to you, my dear readers. I'm sorry. This was a trick question. There are actually two correct answers -- and one of them is not C.
But you knew that. Everyone knew that, except for the nasty, disgusting, denture-flicking woman who was at Publix earlier. There I am, calmly crashing my cart into miscellaneous side bins of shit, when all of the sudden, with no warning this woman looks right at me and flips up her bottom denture.
Lady, please! That's my dinner in this cart. Now I hardly want to eat it because I'm associating with your denture display.
Anyway. Congrats to all of you who answered the quiz correctly. If you could please spread the word to your grandmas and young folks who lost their teeth do to lack of personal hygiene that C is not acceptable, I'd greatly appreciate it.
There is only one question on this test. No need for pen and paper, you can just think the answer quietly to yourself.
1. Dentures belong...
a) firmly Fixodented in your mouth, as if they were real teeth.
b) on your nightstand in a cup of fizzy whatever it is that you dunk dentures in.
c) flicking in out of your mouth like you used to do when you wore a retainer.
Now, I want to apologize to you, my dear readers. I'm sorry. This was a trick question. There are actually two correct answers -- and one of them is not C.
But you knew that. Everyone knew that, except for the nasty, disgusting, denture-flicking woman who was at Publix earlier. There I am, calmly crashing my cart into miscellaneous side bins of shit, when all of the sudden, with no warning this woman looks right at me and flips up her bottom denture.
Lady, please! That's my dinner in this cart. Now I hardly want to eat it because I'm associating with your denture display.
Anyway. Congrats to all of you who answered the quiz correctly. If you could please spread the word to your grandmas and young folks who lost their teeth do to lack of personal hygiene that C is not acceptable, I'd greatly appreciate it.
Aug 19, 2009
A million reasons why you shouldn't watch the Octomom show
Dear human race,
Do not watch this ridiculous woman on TV. Octomom -- really? If you have any faith in the human race, you'll promise me to never, ever watch this show.
Why, you ask? It's a train wreck and there's nothing we like to watch more than a good old-fashioned train wreck...
Let's start with the fact that this crazy lady is a nutcase. There are tons of woman out there who can't have children who would be awesome, amazing moms -- and this woman is somehow allowed to mass produce and hoard them? Then some friggin' network (shame on you, FOX, although I'm not surprised it was you) actually pays her some absurd about of money to be on TV.
Like we haven't had enough of her on TV.
People, you have something better to watch. As I find something to watch tonight, I'm going to purposely flip though the channels the other way so I don't inadvertently give her damn show a second of viewing time to contribute to the ratings.
And God forbid the show fizzles off after a bit. What then? I bet she squirts in a few dozen more sperm and pops out 10 or so more innocent children to ruin. That'll get her back in the media, right? In the meantime, I hope no other crazy bitches out there copycat her baby factory idea.
Besides, I'm sure there's something waaaay more interesting on, like that vegetable slicer infomercial or a blank TV screen.
And speaking of getting my panties in a bunch... maybe if Octomom would just keep hers on... Just sayin.
Do not watch this ridiculous woman on TV. Octomom -- really? If you have any faith in the human race, you'll promise me to never, ever watch this show.
Why, you ask? It's a train wreck and there's nothing we like to watch more than a good old-fashioned train wreck...
Let's start with the fact that this crazy lady is a nutcase. There are tons of woman out there who can't have children who would be awesome, amazing moms -- and this woman is somehow allowed to mass produce and hoard them? Then some friggin' network (shame on you, FOX, although I'm not surprised it was you) actually pays her some absurd about of money to be on TV.
Like we haven't had enough of her on TV.
People, you have something better to watch. As I find something to watch tonight, I'm going to purposely flip though the channels the other way so I don't inadvertently give her damn show a second of viewing time to contribute to the ratings.
And God forbid the show fizzles off after a bit. What then? I bet she squirts in a few dozen more sperm and pops out 10 or so more innocent children to ruin. That'll get her back in the media, right? In the meantime, I hope no other crazy bitches out there copycat her baby factory idea.
Besides, I'm sure there's something waaaay more interesting on, like that vegetable slicer infomercial or a blank TV screen.
And speaking of getting my panties in a bunch... maybe if Octomom would just keep hers on... Just sayin.
Jul 28, 2009
Do you HAVE to back in to park?
Seriously. I can't stand people who back in to park.
These people usually can't drive, and yet they insist on maneuvering their cars into a space backwards, craning their necks, trying to look cool with their arm slung behind the passenger seat, holding me up and inevitably parking right on -- right on the white lines, that is.
If you can't drive it, don't buy it.
And while we're there, if you can barely drive it, don't back it in.
Aaaaand, unless you have some fancy hood ornament you want to show off, don't back in at all.
There are two types of people who insist on backing in:
1. The cool guy who is no doubt gangsta. You will notice him because he's the one driving the Honda Civic. Either that, or the 1992 Nissan Sentra with rims/shiny hubcaps. Why? Why does he have to back in (and it is ALWAYS a he, isn't it)?
2. The guy driving a big truck. And by "big truck" I mean the one that the bed is too long, so his front end is sticking out of the front of the parking space. He can hardly drive this thing head-on and make it straight, let alone somehow try to slide it in in reverse. Here's a quick tip for this guy: If you park forward like a normal person (look around, yes, front-in is normal), you can actually see what you're barreling that thing into.
There is no need for this ridiculousness, people. I'm not impressed, so don't think you're showing off. In fact, we almost wrecked because you had to drive past your space, then suddenly slam it in reverse to park. Now that doesn't seem natural, does it?
That's all for now. Vroom, vroom, bitches.
These people usually can't drive, and yet they insist on maneuvering their cars into a space backwards, craning their necks, trying to look cool with their arm slung behind the passenger seat, holding me up and inevitably parking right on -- right on the white lines, that is.
If you can't drive it, don't buy it.
And while we're there, if you can barely drive it, don't back it in.
Aaaaand, unless you have some fancy hood ornament you want to show off, don't back in at all.
There are two types of people who insist on backing in:
1. The cool guy who is no doubt gangsta. You will notice him because he's the one driving the Honda Civic. Either that, or the 1992 Nissan Sentra with rims/shiny hubcaps. Why? Why does he have to back in (and it is ALWAYS a he, isn't it)?
2. The guy driving a big truck. And by "big truck" I mean the one that the bed is too long, so his front end is sticking out of the front of the parking space. He can hardly drive this thing head-on and make it straight, let alone somehow try to slide it in in reverse. Here's a quick tip for this guy: If you park forward like a normal person (look around, yes, front-in is normal), you can actually see what you're barreling that thing into.
There is no need for this ridiculousness, people. I'm not impressed, so don't think you're showing off. In fact, we almost wrecked because you had to drive past your space, then suddenly slam it in reverse to park. Now that doesn't seem natural, does it?
That's all for now. Vroom, vroom, bitches.
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