Sep 4, 2011

Pink is the new tough

I'm at CVS today getting a bottle of water and a few other essentially unessential essentials, and I notice this guy noticing me. He's kind of a big guy, clearly heading to the gym or just coming from there. Lovely. Not to snob or anything, but this happens all the time.

I go about my business.

When I grab my essentials, I get in line to pay -- right behind him of course. He's still doing the side-look and puffing up his chest and whatever else guys do when they're trying to look tough. Fine. I smile.

He's got some energy drink, some kind of soap or something (manly brand, I'm sure) and who knows what else. Normal guy stuff.

He pays and leaves, with another glance my way, of course. (Note to guys: Just say something. Really. It's better than this awkward staring business.)

I pay and leave and see him behind his big manly truck. And I LOL. I literally LOL, and I don't LOL lightly.

He's loading three pink hula hoops into the bed of his truck, which also contains a pink girly bicycle with pink tassles on the handlebars and some other pink stuff (Roller skates maybe? A pink jump rope? Pink stuffed animals? Who knows. All I see is pink.)

He sees me notice. I imagine whatever manliness he's got going on immediately shrivels and his puffed up chest deflates.

Now I have to say something of course, because I'm not one to not say things...

"It's hard to look tough with a trunk like that." Poor guy.

Jul 20, 2011

An open letter to people who don't drive small cars

Dear people who don't drive small cars,

Calmly take your hands of the horn and wipe that holy-shit-don't-back-into-me look off your face. I promise, I am not going to hit your car.

I drive a small car. When I park, my cute little two-seater sports car goes into parking spaces and basically disappears. Pickup trucks, minivans, even Honda Civics are longer than my car. If I don't remember where I parked, I'm basically screwed.

So...

When I'm backing out of a space, I can't see if anyone is coming unless I back up just a little bit to where everyone else's car's butt is.

HONK HONK HONKHONK HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONK!

Good Lord. You'll please note that I am inching my way back old-lady style, not gunning it like a douchebag. I am a good driver. As soon as I can see, I stop, give the person who honked at me an eat-shit look and then gun it.

Anywhos, the point is: Quit honking at me as soon as I put on my reverse lights and go back 3.5 inches. We all know 3.5 inches is not enough to do anything.