What aisle are the cheese puffs in?

They're in aisle 4 -- but if you were shopping at Winn-Dixie, you'd already know that.

You'd also know what aisle the pork 'n beans are in or where to find the juice, apple juice, cranapple juice or mixed juice. Inexplicably, you might have trouble locating the pork rinds and orange drink.

You see, Winn-Dixie feels these fine, fine products are staple enough to actually make it on the sign above each aisle. Just to say "chips" and would certainly fall short of acceptable -- enough people are looking for cheese puffs that they need their own line up there.

All this is fine, but let's look at the big picture: There are, let's say, 15 aisles in Winn-Dixie. Each one gets 5 lines on their sign. You're telling me that the pork 'n beans actually falls in their top 60 selling items list so that it gets its own placard? Sure... right up there next to soap, milk and ground beef (they're the beef people, after all).

I demand to see this list. If all those juices ranked high enough to get their own billing, I demand a recount -- for Orange Drink's sake.

Where do dentures belong?

This is a pop quiz, folks. Sorry I didn't warn you earlier, but I think most of us will be able to pass this test pretty easily (that is, of course, unless you're the lady I saw at Publix today).

There is only one question on this test. No need for pen and paper, you can just think the answer quietly to yourself.

1. Dentures belong...

a) firmly Fixodented in your mouth, as if they were real teeth.
b) on your nightstand in a cup of fizzy whatever it is that you dunk dentures in.
c) flicking in out of your mouth like you used to do when you wore a retainer.

Now, I want to apologize to you, my dear readers. I'm sorry. This was a trick question. There are actually two correct answers -- and one of them is not C.

But you knew that. Everyone knew that, except for the nasty, disgusting, denture-flicking woman who was at Publix earlier. There I am, calmly crashing my cart into miscellaneous side bins of shit, when all of the sudden, with no warning this woman looks right at me and flips up her bottom denture.

Lady, please! That's my dinner in this cart. Now I hardly want to eat it because I'm associating with your denture display.

Anyway. Congrats to all of you who answered the quiz correctly. If you could please spread the word to your grandmas and young folks who lost their teeth do to lack of personal hygiene that C is not acceptable, I'd greatly appreciate it.

Storebrand coffee

Attention coffee drinkers: Coffee is NOT the place to save a buck on your grocery bill. This I just realized after trying out Publix's "Special Roast" coffee.

Special roast, indeed.

My regular coffee (I heart you Don Fransisco Vanilla Nut!) is about $4.29. This muck that Publix sells goes for $2.99. I convinced myself to give it a try -- coffee's coffee, right? -- and have been kicking myself every cup since.

In the words of Charles Barkley, "It's turrible." And the worst part is, I feel like if I don't finish this entire package of blah beans, then I've actually wasted money instead of saving it! That's what I get for being cheap, I guess.

Bonus el-cheapo shopping tip: Don't "save money" on toilet paper, either.

P.S. Here's Frank Caliendo doing Charles Barkley... You'll see what I was talking about.




And here's another video, of the real Charles Barkley being a dumbass.

Milk shards

I really don't even like milk. I really only use it when making random or recipes or, in this case, on a rare cereal kick. Which I'm on right now, so I need milk (but I only use enough to wet the cereal; I don't want to taste the milk).

The thing is, when you turn the cap to open the milk, there are inevitably milk shards. Now you know what I mean. Those flakes or dry milk that were hiding in the twist cap, that fall all on whatever you're opening the milk over -- in this case, my cereal.

Nasty.

So lesson learned. Open the milk over the sink, not over your food.