The truck that ran me over

Maybe I should call the cops.

I didn't see it coming and I didn't feel it happen. I have no idea what it looked like, or when it occurred. But I'm pretty sure a truck ran me over.

I woke up this morning awful. I don't understand... I was fine yesterday. Fabulous even. And then this morning, POW! Like a Mack truck just plowed into me while I was sleeping.

In other news: I want a hedgehog.

Publix buy-1-get-1-free sales

You'd think it would be a good thing -- sales at the grocery store. Yay! I get to save money.

Unless you foolishly buy some coffee you don't normally drink, because it's the deal of the week. I see some coffee, it's a decent brand (Eight 'O Clock coffee is decent, right?), so I grab up two real quick. Ooh! They even have French Vanilla flavor. This sale was meant for me.

And then I get home and start putting away the groceries. And realize my budget-happy butt bought whole bean coffee.

A.) I do not have a coffee grinder.
B.) Even if I did, I'd probably hurt myself trying to use it in the morning before actually having any coffee.

So now I have to go back to the store, return the crappy bargain and get something else. You'd think I would have learned my lesson after the last coffee debacle. Oh well, maybe next time.

I heart you Don Fransisco coffee.

It doesn't work. Deal with it.

So I'm at the gym on the treadmill, and the one next to me doesn't work. I know this because approximately 148 people have tried to use it and then gotten off seconds later. After the first few people did it, I realized it was broken and told the next few people as soon as they jumped on, but I quickly got tired of being Miss Considerate Gym Person and started ignoring the dummies.

Because seriously? You just watched someone get right off. Or two people get right off. Chances are, something's wrong with it. Which is slightly comical, but the part that really gets me is...

Just how long people will actually stay on the damn thing trying to make it work. They press the Start button. Nothing. They press the "up" button to increase the speed. Nothing. They they press it again. And again. And then like 20 more times.

It doesn't work! Give up! Do they think that, suddenly, after 30 or 40 tries, the treadmill is just going to realize it's supposed to start and magically begin moving? Probably not.

So since I stopped being Miss Nicey, I started making fun of these people in my head. I wondered how many chances the average person would give the busted machine. And the results of my extremely unscientific observational study were ridiculous. The average dummy tried to press "start" and "up" about 30 times. With increasing intensity, like pressing it harder would make it obey more.

And 30 is the average. Which means that some of these brain surgeons actually gave the thing like 50 attempts. Nice job, people.

Duck piss

I feed everything that comes near me -- if you know me, you know that. I am Mother Nature. I keep a bag of cat food in my trunk, because you never know when you're going to need some kibble.

So, basically, the animals get to know me and run towards me when they see me. And this is why I'm not surprised that there is a duck on my back patio hanging out with me right now. He came because I always give him bread (bless his little heart).

He came. He ate. He puddled.

And it reeks. Duck pee smells kind of like cat poop. Don't know why, don't care to know why, but it does. Enjoy.

Storebrand coffee

Attention coffee drinkers: Coffee is NOT the place to save a buck on your grocery bill. This I just realized after trying out Publix's "Special Roast" coffee.

Special roast, indeed.

My regular coffee (I heart you Don Fransisco Vanilla Nut!) is about $4.29. This muck that Publix sells goes for $2.99. I convinced myself to give it a try -- coffee's coffee, right? -- and have been kicking myself every cup since.

In the words of Charles Barkley, "It's turrible." And the worst part is, I feel like if I don't finish this entire package of blah beans, then I've actually wasted money instead of saving it! That's what I get for being cheap, I guess.

Bonus el-cheapo shopping tip: Don't "save money" on toilet paper, either.

P.S. Here's Frank Caliendo doing Charles Barkley... You'll see what I was talking about.




And here's another video, of the real Charles Barkley being a dumbass.

The cable company

Being the cheap person that I am, I called my cable company to see how I could lower my bill. Turns out that if I get a cable box, and subscribe to their 6-month promotion of HBO and OnDemand, my cable would be cheaper than it is now -- and don't get any of that fancy stuff!

So I'm all in. Sign me up!

They send the cable box. I wake up the next morning (Saturday morning, my day off) and launch into getting this thing plugged into all the right places and all the right stuff plugged into it. I need my DVD player, the VCR, my Nintendo (old school... boo yah!), the TV, the cable Internet box and the wireless router all somehow connected to this one little cable outlet in the wall.

Thank God I had help. It took two of us, and the only technology we had to sacrifice was the VCR (fine, I guess if I haven't used it in 2 years I probably don't need it). I call the cable company to do this "simple" activation -- it's supposed to just magically start working 45 minutes after I call -- and that's where the trouble begins (never mind the last half hour of trouble trying to hook the damn thing up). It's not doing what it's supposed to do. In fact, it's not doing anything.

You're sure the little green light didn't turn off? Yes, ma'am. You're sure it's connected to the right spots? Yes, ma'am. You're sure you plugged it in (Are you serious? Perhaps the fact that the little green light was on could have answered this one). Yes, ma'am. Well let me transfer you to tech. Yay...

Tech: Same questions. Same bullshit with the little green light (ooooh, pretty...), plus he was able to make some error message appear. This is progress?

I give up for the day.

Next day, I find out that to get a new box (to replace the broken one they sent me), I have to either stay home from work to wait the Cable Guy or drive all the way to my "local" Comcast place and trade it in myself. So, wait. You're telling me that you guys sent me something busted, and now I have to go out of my way to fix it? I don't even want this damn box!!! I'm just trying to save 10 bucks (which, by the way, I've already spent in aggravation).

I'll skip to the punchline: I end up leaving work a little early today to drop off my box. They said the place was open till 6:30. It took me 40 minutes to figure out where 1400 W. 16th St. or wherever is because my Internet was down (no Mapquest) and this "local" spot doesn't have a phone (thanks for your help with that one, customer service lady).

Anywhos, I get there at 6:10 p.m. Eastern Standard Time -- and the place is closed. I would have thrown that friggin' cable box right through their window if there hadn't been someone else in the parking lot in my same situation. We bitched about Comcast to each other for a minute, then I drove off, fuming as I dial another (unfortunate) customer service rep.

In the end, I get nothing. In fact, this ballsy woman had the nerve to give me the silent treatment on the phone. Come on, if I yell at you for something you had absolutely nothing to do with, at least fight back a little. This was no fun. So I thanked her rudely for her help and hung up on her silent ass.

And drove home with my busted cable box. I guess I'm saving the $10 whether I plug it in or not, but still, I'm sure there's something lovely I'm missing on HBO right now...