Milk shards

I really don't even like milk. I really only use it when making random or recipes or, in this case, on a rare cereal kick. Which I'm on right now, so I need milk (but I only use enough to wet the cereal; I don't want to taste the milk).

The thing is, when you turn the cap to open the milk, there are inevitably milk shards. Now you know what I mean. Those flakes or dry milk that were hiding in the twist cap, that fall all on whatever you're opening the milk over -- in this case, my cereal.

Nasty.

So lesson learned. Open the milk over the sink, not over your food.

Victoria's Secret

Haha... panties in a bunch, Victoria's Secret, panties... harr. NO. Not what I'm talking about.

I never thought Victoria's Secret would make it to my bitch list, but here they are. You see, VS is one piece of my Holy Trinity of Shopping (Express/VS/Target -- duh). They can do no wrong, and I find something to spend money on every single time I go there or peruse their catalogs (quit sending me a new one every 3 days and maybe I'd be able to save a little money here, Vickie. Thanks.)

So I was delighted to receive the latest swimsuit catalog... as I always am. And equally as delighted to find a fabulous bikini I liked (shocker, I know). Which I ordered, despite the fact that it was overpriced and I had to pay like $20 for shipping on top of that. No matter, I love my new suit!

And it comes. To my office! I have a package! Yay! I open it and love it just as much as I did on freakin Giselle Bundchen or whoever perfect they had modeling it in the catalog. I can't wait to take it home and try it on!

Which I do. And wouldn't you know, the bottoms are too small (And you know what a too-small bikini bottom looks like. Can you say muffin top?). No problem, I'll just call and order the next size up.

It's back-ordered until May 21. Go ahead, check your calendars. That's like two months away.

#1. Do you know what kind of FIERCE tan lines I'll have from my old suit by then?!!

2. You're telling me VS only gets shipments once every two months? I call bullshit.

So now I have to return the whole thing. Cause I can't have my poor beautiful bikini top waiting, lonely and abandoned, for TWO MONTHS for it's other half.

Stupid VS. Thanks a lot.

That plastic thing in my toilet

It's broken. Whatever ever thingamajigger it is that is attached to the whatchamacallit is cracked. And so now, every single time I want to flush (which is EVERY time, thank you), I have to lift up the lid and hand-flush it.

This think broke over the weekend, as major useful appliances are wont to do. And since I live in an apartment, I'm stuck here, flushless in Florida, until the maintenance guy decides to roll his golf cart over to my crib and fix it.

Which sucks. Because if I owned the place, I'd go buy the stupid $2 whozit and put it in myself. But since I pay waaaaaaay too much rent, I'm not about to add $2 to my monthly total. I'd rather call the office red-faced every morning ranting irate. Cause I'm right, dammit. And I don't care if those people next door's A/C is broken and they're dying of heat exhaustion... I'm not down with the manual flush.

And while we're talking toilet, here's the story of Jack Schitt. A classic.

Headphones in the sauna

So I just finished a fabulous workout and I decided to wind down for a few minutes in the sauna afterwards. I switch out of my sneakers and into my flip flops, grab a towel to sit on and go stroll over to what promises to be a nice, relaxing 10 minutes.

Shoot. There's someone else in there. I kind of love it when I'm the only one in there, but oh well. We can relax together.

So I settle in on my towel and close my eyes. Ahhh... the cedar smell, the crackling of the stones, the warmth letting all the stress of the day lift out of me...

...and apple bottom jeans, boots with fur, the whole club was looking at her...

That freaking girl has her headphones on blast! Are you kidding me? If I was wearing panties under these spandex workout shorts, they be all in a bunch over this. All of the sudden, I can't relax. The cedar smell is gone, the stones aren't crackling and the heat is just making me sweat.

All I hear is that stupid song.

Oh, and did I mention that she's doing half her workout in there, too? I thought about farting just to clear her out of there, but didn't. Probably should have.

Crybabies

Put on your big girl panties and deal with it.

Mustangs

As in Mr. I'm a Big Bad Ass Vroom Vroom. Puh-lease.

I can't stand Mustangs. I think I may have actually wanted one a (long) while ago, but now? That's gonna be a hell no. In fact, I think if I ever had a date and the guy came to pick me up in a Mustang, I probably wouldn't even answer the door. If I did accidentally answer the door without realizing what he was driving, I'm quite sure I wouldn't get in the car.

Vroom vroom off, Big Bad Buddy. You undoubtedly speed around corners too fast, take off from red lights too fast and wear your hat backwards. It's never going to work between us. Sorry.

It's such a type. From now on, if you haven't already done so, pay attention to who's stealing Sally next time you pull up next to one. You'll see.